I Tell My Kids to F... Every Single Day. And I Don't Regret It.

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When my kids were small and fell down, I never picked them up.

I'd walk over. Sit next to them. Hug them. Let them cry. Show them I was right there.

But I didn't pick them up.

They had to get up themselves.

Some may think this is cruel, but I thought this was an early lesson. The message wasn't "you're on your own." The message was "you can do this, and I'm here if you need me."

That's the same thing I tell them today, just with different words.

The F Word

There's one phrase I say to my kids more than
"I love you."
"Be careful."
"Take care."

It starts with F.

And no, it's not the one you're thinking.

Why I Say It

The instinct as a parent is to fix things.

Kid's stuck on homework? Help them.
Can't find something? Get it for them.
Friend problem? Solve it.

But every time I jump in, I'm stealing something from them. The struggle. The frustration. The moment where their brain grows.

So, I started saying three words instead: Figure it out.

Not because I don't care. Because I do.

The 6-Year-Old vs the 13-Year-Old

My younger one hears "figure it out" and just... does. He'll try three wrong ways, get frustrated for 10 minutes, then crack it. No drama. No negotiations.

The 13-year-old? Different story.

"Why can't you just tell me?"
"This is taking too long."
"You know the answer, why won't you help?"

And that's exactly when it matters most. Because the pushback is the learning.

The discomfort of not having an answer handed to you is where the growth happens.

If I give in every time he pushes back, I'm not helping him. I'm training him to push back harder until someone else does the work.

What Happens When I Don't Give In

Over a period of time, both boys know that they won't get help unless they are really stuck so they try multiple times and then come to me and even then, I don't solve it, I give them hints like did you try this, how about doing it this way.

A few weeks ago, my elder son wanted to build a sports tracking dashboard using AI. I wrote about this last week but here's the quick version. He's obsessed with sports, always has been, but this time he wanted to create something around it.

He came to me with ideas. Features, data flow, interface design. Real product thinking from a 13-year-old.

I didn't pick his tools. Didn't walk him through it. Didn't sit next to him and guide each step.

I just said the F word.

He spent weekends skipping TV, researching tools, watching tutorials, figuring out what's possible. He started building a prototype and has integrated an API for fetching cricket scores.

That didn't come from me teaching him.

It came from me not teaching him.

The Uncomfortable Part

Saying "figure it out" isn't always comfortable. Sometimes your kid looks at you like you're being cruel. Sometimes you want to give in because it would take you 30 seconds to just do it for them.

But 30 seconds of your help costs them 30 minutes of growth. Bad trade.

There are days when I question it. When the look on their face makes me want to drop everything and solve it for them. But then I remember,

Why This Matters More Now Than Ever

We're raising kids in a world where AI will answer any question instantly. ChatGPT doesn't say "figure it out." It says "here's the answer, and would you like me to explain it three different ways?" In fact it also prompts what should be the next question.

That's convenient. It's also dangerous.

Because the kid who never learns to sit with "I don't know yet" becomes the adult who can't function without someone else or something else doing the thinking for them.

"Figure it out" is the antidote. It's the vaccine against intellectual laziness.

It's the one phrase that keeps the thinking muscle alive in an age where everything is designed to think for you.

The F Word Challenge

Try it this week. Just once.

When your kid asks you something they could figure out themselves, resist the urge to answer. Just say: "Figure it out."

Watch what happens. They'll complain. They'll say it's unfair. They might even storm off.

And then, quietly, they'll figure it out.

That's the moment. That's where it happens. Not when you gave them the answer. When you didn't.

The world is going to tell your kids "Figure it out" every single day.

Bosses will. Clients will. Life will.

The question is whether they hear it for the first time at 25 and panic, or they hear it at 6 and think: "Yeah, I know how to do this."

Start using the F word. Your kids can handle it.

If this hit home, forward it to one parent who needs to hear it.
That's how this grows.